The Happy Machines
By David Barth
December 1980
The year was 2021. Beth was happier than she had ever been in her life. She had been married for fourteen years to a man who was more interested in other
women than herself. It had been a sad and frustrating time for her.
But things were different now. Technology had progressed by leaps and bounds. One of the unexpected spinoffs of computer development and space research
was the creation of androids. They were an extension of the early robots used in the manufacture of autos and appliances. These early manufacturing robots
did not remotely resemble humans. Their design was a case of form following function.
As robot design was improved and refined, and their "I.Q.s" rose, they began to be used in the public sector for vacuuming homes, cooking simple recipes,
mowing lawns, etc. Marketing departments required that they be built to look more like humans and less like machines. In a sense, robot manufacturers
played "God," building robots in their own image.
Then, a manufacturer had the idea of making them anatomically correct. The experiment was so successful that the company
stopped building all other machines and began to mass produce male and female robots that looked human and could perform a very important human
function.
The public demand for them was insatiable. Competitors joined in the fray, each trying to satisfy the demand. Millions of these robots, called "happy machines,"
were sold. "Sugar Daddies" and mistresses became obsolete. As the the market was flooded with these robots, prices tumbled, and even the poorest person
could afford at least one used robot. In fact, robots could be rented or leased, just like a car.
Persons with a little more money had harems of robots. The term "harem," lost its association with the female gender as women collected all-male "harems" of
robots.
Borrowing a technique developed by Coleco in the early 1980s for manufacturing Cabbage Patch dolls, robot manufacturers made each android look slightly
different from the others. In fact, buyers could special order a robot that looked just like their favorite movie star.
Sex robots became socially acceptable because they nearly eliminated the incidence of sexually transmitted diseases (STD), including AIDS. The number of
child molestation cases dropped, but it was suspected that robot molestation was the substitute, because child robots were available.
Beth had a male robot she has specially ordered to look like her favorite movie actor. It didn't complain, she didn't have to cook for it, and when she got bored with
it, she simply flipped its power switch to "off." The robots made people happier. Wars became curious historical tragedies. The crime rate dropped. The birth
rate was easily controlled, especially in third-world countries where the U. S. shipped thousands of robots. They were also shipped to prisons.
Psychologists realized how correct Freud had been in laying the responsibility for most antisocial behavior at the foot of sexual tension and desire. The sex
robots thrust the world into a new age of improved humanity.
Beth wasn't really concerned about the aspects of the philosophy related to robots. She was happy, and one could tell by the contented gleam in her eye.